Classical Poetry, as Updated by My Despicable Friends

(A few of my friends – some of whose adventures I have chronicled previously – found out I kept a poetry blog, and have provided me with some helpful suggestions for poems. A selection of the more repeatable ones are shown below. – Owen)


I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said, “You suck.”


I wandered lonely as a cloud
But at least I was high


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more hot and e’en
More likely to drive me to drink


This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bin but a hamper.


One must have a mind of winter
To read this poem
And make any sense of it, whatsoever


I saw the best minds of my generation…
Not really.
The best minds of my generation
Wouldn’t have anything to do with me.


Come live with me and be my love,
And we shall all the pleasures prove
Of trailer park, and nature trail,
And Bud Light purchased (when on sale)

tales of my despicable friends, episode 8

(Originally published February, 2017)

How is your wife?

She left me.

What happened?

She decided I did not meet
Her minimum standards.

And what are those?

Something about faithfulness
And caring, I think.
I wasn’t really listening.

Why not?

The Super Bowl was on.
I had $400 on the Falcons!

So you lost your wife
And your $400?

Yes. She’s now living with
My neighbor two doors down.
They’ve taken to having sex
In the backyard pool.

And you know this because…?

She texts me and tells me.

Well at least she has your attention now.

Damned Patriots.


(The author of this blog would have it known that he does not endorse the conduct of any of his despicable friends. – Owen)

 

tales of my despicable friends, episode 7

could you lend me about a hundred dollars?

what for?

i’m overdrawn.

have you had a lot of bills?

no… i’ve been spending my entire paycheck on “draft kings dot com”… i’ve had a run of bad luck, though

why are you spending so much there?

it was recommended therapy.

for what?

my gambling problem


(This is virtually a word-for-word transcription. – Owen)

tales of my despicable friends, episode 6

If my wife calls
Will you tell her I’m in a meeting?

Will you be in a meeting?

No, I’ll be with my mistress…
I guess technically, we will be meeting.
So, yes.

No I will not tell your wife any such thing.
Tell her yourself.

Good idea. I’ll call first, and tell her
I’ll be tied up for a while.
Hey, that’s another good idea.

You realize that you barely qualify as human, right?

The world has its standards, I have mine.

You have standards?

No, not really


(Another conversational gem. – Owen)

tales of my despicable friends, episode 5

how are things going on
match dot com?

oh, i had a date
this weekend, but
it had a few glitches

what happened?

she said she was expecting
someone twenty years younger
and sixty pounds lighter

i told you, man –
you shouldn’t lie like that
in your profile —
are you going to change it?

well, first of all,
we have another date
this weekend

what?

i told her the picture
was a mix-up by my
executive assistant
as my busy schedule as
c.e.o.
keeps me on the road

you’re hopeless


(None of my friends read this blog; i’m not sure this particular friend can even read. – Owen)

tales of my despicable friends, episode 4

i asked him

why did you
put a twenty-year old picture
on match dot com?

he said

twenty years ago
there was a chance
some woman would
fall in love with me.

i said

are you honestly
trying to meet
twenty-five year old women?

he said

are you honestly
asking me that question?


(A lot of my friends do online dating sites, particularly the despicable ones: the friends, not the sites. – Owen)

tales of my despicable friends, episode 2

i didn’t think
you cared anything
about politics

i don’t
but there are so few straight men
participating in these marches
the women are desperate
it’s like shooting fish in a barrel

so you don’t care about the cause,
you just want women
and go to where
there is the least competition?

yes
it’s the same reason
i did dinner theater


(I wish these weren’t basically true stories. – Owen)