you were my ardent only,
my every half-formed thought,
and though you were my everything,
you weren't quite what i sought
and so i turned attention
to what was new, and young,
and gave to all the friends i found
myself daily among
but some may love for money,
and others love for looks,
but me, i loved for nothing
and now i'm left with books
i bought when i was younger,
and you were still my stay;
the focus of a wasted man
who threw it all
away
A morning gray, a two-day rain,
A mind wrapped up in here and now,
A half-day passed, a needed a break,
Surprised to find the world now blue
And full of early flowers in bloom
His car took him (it seemed) down to
A place of stones, and flowers, and rest
And words and dates and silences --
A hand upon my shoulder now
With no one there, with no one there.
"I Am The One Who Was" it said,
Or they all said, in different words;
A living presence grown and gone
Now missing in the hearts of those
Who once took shape and came alive
In feeling skin and hearing voice
In ways no others ever could
For what is known and felt is kept
Inside the vault we can't unlock
For someone took the key and left,
For someone took the key
and left
Reach out and feel what should be yours by right;
The cadence of a song that none have heard,
The measure of a breath that's full and light
Along a shore: a lonely boat, a bird --
And how you came to be where you are not:
The fuller you become a passing ghost
That all have seen and equal all, forgot,
A missing sign atop a broken post --
But you remember hope -- it was your claim
When everything you didn't know still glowed,
And so much seemed in reach, both love and fame,
While paying back much more than ever owed --
Our slipping grasp on all that missing peace,
Midst waves that ever lessen, never cease
{ She’s not coming back, you know that. }
I don’t know that.
I’m sorry, sir. Did you say something?
Sorry, just muttering to myself. So these are the lockers?
Yes, just store your stuff in here and follow the directions as to the combination. Feel free to use the sauna or steamroom or whirlpool or any of the other facilities. Your technician will meet you in the relaxation room in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
…
{ Dude, what are you doing here? }
Right now I’m taking a shower. After that I put on a robe and wait out in the relaxation room.
{ What is this supposed to accomplish? }
Release some tension. I have been doing more working out.
{ Yes, I know, I am you. I mean you haven’t gone off for a massage without her in what — fourteen years? }
Well there is no her right now, is there? I —
Mister Servant? —
Right here.
…
It says here that you have the 50 minute service with CBD oil. Is that correct?
That sounds like what I signed up for, yes.
Is this your first time here?
Yes.
…
…
What is that water sound? Not the music, but the actual water.
We have a fountain system. Water sounds are very good for us.
Yes, I can feel that. How complicated is one of those to put in?
I took them about two weeks to put this one in. It goes through all the rooms; a simpler one would probably take a couple of days. The water bill is something you want to be ready for, though.
Hmmm.
…
What do you do for a living?
I am a mathematician. My wife is an artist.
Why didn’t she come today? We have couples’ packages.
She’s… working out of town.
…
Your neck and shoulders are very tense.
I am sure.
Do you work long hours?
I guess you could call them that.
…
What did you say your name was?
Tricia.
Thank you, Tricia, that was wonderful.
Your welcome. If you get chosen to do a review, five stars wouldn’t hurt.
Consider it done.
…
{ She didn’t ask you what your wife did for a living. What were you trying to do, ward off evil spirits? }
Maybe.
{ She is coming back, you know. }
You told me the opposite 90 minutes ago.
{ I’m more relaxed now. }
when the outworld was my home
i knew the smell of evenings
spent by lakes still wild and
full of unmapped feelings yet
but soon to be known by one
intrepid scurillous adventurous
made of heart and granite and
powered more by sugar than
forethought or any other kind
of blue-green wonder or sped-up
thoughts of what a drive-in
movie must look like when one
is there to be with someone who
wants only to be there with you
who read these lines and know
the red and gray awaits and
eventually your pillow becomes
your prison
It’s beautiful here.
{ You knew it would be. }
I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had known what silence sounded like.
{ … }
I have already gotten a lot done in just a few days, and there is still time to just sit. I feel like I had lost the sound of my own voice inside my head, you know?
{ … }
Art should connect people… to the world, to others, to their better selves. But to do that people need space to think and feel. And the modern world has no space. It has no quiet, no silence. We are meant to be like water, both constantly moving yet always still.
{ Stillness is a rare gift. }
It’s funny how I still hear what you would say even when you are hundreds of miles away, and almost certainly busy at work.
{ … }
…
{ … }
I needed to do this. I don’t think men realize just how much of themselves women give up in relationships.
{ I am really glad that only works one way. Think how hard it would be on men if they, too, gave up large parts of themselves in relationships. }
You make me sound like such a witch for coming here.
{ I am not really here! You are only imagining what I would say… }
Yeah, but you would, you know you would.
{ … }
…
{ I would say, “relationships are always voluntary on the part of both parties.” }
Yes. But are they, though? In the real world?
{ … }
There is so much that keeps people together. Social stigma, habit, fear of failing. Sometimes even worse things.
{ .. }
I need to find a way to communicate that to people. That wherever they are in life, in relationships, that they still have choices. They still can find a different way when elements of their life no longer serve them. Women… yes, and men… all have other ways forward than they may see at present. There is a better way, a better them.
The silence inside them needs to be released. The voice of their real self. All of their history, their ancestry, all of the pain they’ve felt in a world shot through with sorrow and conflict. They can be more fully realized.
{ . }
I have a way to express this and I am going to. This lake or pond or whatever it is can be the image, the metaphor. Stillness and constant movement. Freedom even within constraints. The chance to touch other streams, rivers, to even make it to oceans. This is all of us. This is any of us.
Time to get to work…
We mark significant beginnings and ends when we are aware of them. But we frequently aren’t aware, except in retrospect.
Once we are aware that a first time has occurred and a last time is coming, it becomes about what we do with all the times in between. Otherwise we miss the moments themselves, which is all life is comprised of.
My wife and I have been married going on 26 years, and we are currently are on a vacation together in Nashville, Tennessee. A little mental math tells me that we are almost certainly closer to our last such trip together than we are to our first one.
Almost every good and beautiful thing I have in my life traces back to her, and I hope a day never goes by that she doesn’t know that I cherish her and all the moments we get together. Long love is not about putting on a show, it is about showing up.
And she always shows up for me.
I was to her the place of
warm and hidden
Where silence stretched as a
slow smile growing
And lost was the gray dark and
the fluorescent loud
Before I reached the undiscovered
ere she could join in her time
For wave upon wave
means nothing
And all our meanings just
so many lost waves
