Reach out and feel what should be yours by right; The cadence of a song that none have heard, The measure of a breath that's full and light Along a shore: a lonely boat, a bird --
And how you came to be where you are not: The fuller you become a passing ghost That all have seen and equal all, forgot, A missing sign atop a broken post --
But you remember hope -- it was your claim When everything you didn't know still glowed, And so much seemed in reach, both love and fame, While paying back much more than ever owed --
Our slipping grasp on all that missing peace, Midst waves that ever lessen, never cease
Sorry, just muttering to myself. So these are the lockers?
Yes, just store your stuff in here and follow the directions as to the combination. Feel free to use the sauna or steamroom or whirlpool or any of the other facilities. Your technician will meet you in the relaxation room in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
…
{ Dude, what are you doing here? }
Right now I’m taking a shower. After that I put on a robe and wait out in the relaxation room.
{ What is this supposed to accomplish? }
Release some tension. I have been doing more working out.
{ Yes, I know, I am you. I mean you haven’t gone off for a massage without her in what — fourteen years? }
Well there is no her right now, is there? I —
Mister Servant? —
Right here.
…
It says here that you have the 50 minute service with CBD oil. Is that correct?
That sounds like what I signed up for, yes.
Is this your first time here?
Yes.
…
…
What is that water sound? Not the music, but the actual water.
We have a fountain system. Water sounds are very good for us.
Yes, I can feel that. How complicated is one of those to put in?
I took them about two weeks to put this one in. It goes through all the rooms; a simpler one would probably take a couple of days. The water bill is something you want to be ready for, though.
Hmmm.
…
What do you do for a living?
I am a mathematician. My wife is an artist.
Why didn’t she come today? We have couples’ packages.
She’s… working out of town.
…
Your neck and shoulders are very tense.
I am sure.
Do you work long hours?
I guess you could call them that.
…
What did you say your name was?
Tricia.
Thank you, Tricia, that was wonderful.
Your welcome. If you get chosen to do a review, five stars wouldn’t hurt.
Consider it done.
…
{ She didn’t ask you what your wife did for a living. What were you trying to do, ward off evil spirits? }
when the outworld was my home i knew the smell of evenings spent by lakes still wild and full of unmapped feelings yet but soon to be known by one intrepid scurillous adventurous made of heart and granite and powered more by sugar than forethought or any other kind of blue-green wonder or sped-up thoughts of what a drive-in movie must look like when one is there to be with someone who wants only to be there with you who read these lines and know the red and gray awaits and eventually your pillow becomes your prison
I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had known what silence sounded like.
{ … }
I have already gotten a lot done in just a few days, and there is still time to just sit. I feel like I had lost the sound of my own voice inside my head, you know?
{ … }
Art should connect people… to the world, to others, to their better selves. But to do that people need space to think and feel. And the modern world has no space. It has no quiet, no silence. We are meant to be like water, both constantly moving yet always still.
{ Stillness is a rare gift. }
It’s funny how I still hear what you would say even when you are hundreds of miles away, and almost certainly busy at work.
{ … }
…
{ … }
I needed to do this. I don’t think men realize just how much of themselves women give up in relationships.
{ I am really glad that only works one way. Think how hard it would be on men if they, too, gave up large parts of themselves in relationships. }
You make me sound like such a witch for coming here.
{ I am not really here! You are only imagining what I would say… }
Yeah, but you would, you know you would.
{ … }
…
{ I would say, “relationships are always voluntary on the part of both parties.” }
Yes. But are they, though? In the real world?
{ … }
There is so much that keeps people together. Social stigma, habit, fear of failing. Sometimes even worse things.
{ .. }
I need to find a way to communicate that to people. That wherever they are in life, in relationships, that they still have choices. They still can find a different way when elements of their life no longer serve them. Women… yes, and men… all have other ways forward than they may see at present. There is a better way, a better them.
The silence inside them needs to be released. The voice of their real self. All of their history, their ancestry, all of the pain they’ve felt in a world shot through with sorrow and conflict. They can be more fully realized.
{ . }
I have a way to express this and I am going to. This lake or pond or whatever it is can be the image, the metaphor. Stillness and constant movement. Freedom even within constraints. The chance to touch other streams, rivers, to even make it to oceans. This is all of us. This is any of us.
We mark significant beginnings and ends when we are aware of them. But we frequently aren’t aware, except in retrospect.
Once we are aware that a first time has occurred and a last time is coming, it becomes about what we do with all the times in between. Otherwise we miss the moments themselves, which is all life is comprised of.
My wife and I have been married going on 26 years, and we are currently are on a vacation together in Nashville, Tennessee. A little mental math tells me that we are almost certainly closer to our last such trip together than we are to our first one.
Almost every good and beautiful thing I have in my life traces back to her, and I hope a day never goes by that she doesn’t know that I cherish her and all the moments we get together. Long love is not about putting on a show, it is about showing up.
I was to her the place of warm and hidden Where silence stretched as a slow smile growing And lost was the gray dark and the fluorescent loud Before I reached the undiscovered ere she could join in her time
For wave upon wave means nothing And all our meanings just so many lost waves
Would you like one that isn’t more than a decade old?
I’ve been using this one for a while, and it still works.
Someone more sensitive than I am might think you preferred the younger version of me.
I would love an updated picture, now that you mention it.
How about this one?
You don’t look particularly happy in this picture.When was it taken?
I wasn’t, and yesterday.
Is something wrong?
Yes. There is something I need from you, and you aren’t going to like it.
What is it?
I need to spend eight weeks in Yaddo. Alone.
Yaddo?
It’s an artist’s colony about 45 minutes north of Albany, NY.
Eight weeks?
I have the money saved, and I need to do something to get renergized. This is a huge opportunity for me.
Alright, then, when do you leave?
I could start the beginning of April, so — a couple of weeks from now.
Well, I assume that the “alone” part is important in what you are trying to accomplish, so… I hope it goes well. What all do you need to do to get ready?
There are a million things. I knew you would notice when I started making all these lists…
,.. Hang on a second! How long have you been planning this?
Since Christmas, when we ran into Oliver. He was there a couple of years ago, and suggested it might help.
Andwhy are you just now telling me?
I know how you get about my ex-boyfriends.
Well, there seem to be an awful lot of them. And secrecy isn’t the best way to assuage jealousy.Is Oliver going to also be at…
No. Remember I said I needed something from you?
Yes.
I need you to understand why I am doing this. I have to start producing top-quality work again. I have to, have to, have to.
I get that.
And I need you to understand my leaving for a month is not about you.
…
So you aren’t going to say anything?
What is there to say?
Okay, then. Tell me how you feel.
I’d rather not. This isn’t about me.
Listen, I know I have gone about this the wrong way. I should have talked to you a couple of months ago. But you’ve been super stressed out at work and I didn’t want to add my artist drama to your already full plate. This is not about me being unhappy with you or anything like that.
Mmm.
Please tell me what’s going through your head.
Have you ever placed a coin in one of those large funnel things where the coin makes spirals all around before it finally disappears into the funnel? Well, that’s what I am trying NOT to do — spiral.
… because …
Because it feels like (1) I wasn’t perceptive enough to pick up on what was going on with you — but OLIVER was; (2) You were so worried about my apparently insane jealousy that you didn’t bother to even talk to me about it until you had to; and (3) Because it just occurred to me that I don’t know who even took that picture of you that you just gave me.
Oliver is in film and Yaddo specializes in that so it was on his mind; I am sorry about not telling you sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you over something I might have backed out of; and my sister took the photo, in case you think I have a parade of exes coming through our house to make you new bookmarks.
And look, I am sorry, too. I want you to be happy, so… go do what you have to do. The cat and I will be fine here.
So you are totally cool with this.
I didn’t say that. But I will be. Love sucks, but only because life sucks.
Besides, don’t you think I might also be jealous wondering what you are doing with all your new found free time?
Oh yes, because you married a former model with a million exes. No wait, that was me that did that.
Yes, I just married the successful business executive guy who is also creative. You don’t sound like the lead in a romantic novel at all.
I love you and I trust you. And I hope you come back.
young and desiring, dreaming, drifting real and complacent, endlessly sifting, to see and feel and hear and be someplace besides where one ought to be --
to find in the stories told, and implied, that though much truth was said, almost everyone lied in saying one finds oneself one day, for good, and what once was gray will be clear understood --
for now years close in like a blanket, or noose, identity tied up in just how much use one can be to those who, while good to their core, cannot see you, just your age
