Goodbye, Old Life

[This is a reworking of the first blog post I ever wrote, in prose, on another hosting site, after my divorce and selling of our old house. – Owen]

It’s time to say goodbye, old life – it’s time for me to go…

To notches on the door-frame as we watched our children grow,
To walls that once held shadows from a child’s puppet show,
To unavailing efforts when we try to stem time’s flow
(For life will go the speed it goes, be that speed fast or slow)
To lives we built together here – the one I came to know —

Goodbye, old life. It’s time for me to go.

And now, I take a look around within day’s fading glow,
I loved you, but it’s over now. There’s no more con or pro –
For you are where you need to be; you’re neither friend nor foe.
I close the door and shiver as I feel the cold wind blow,
And think these words, this brief adagio —

Goodbye, old life

It’s time for me

To go

Supposed to Be

Between what is and what should have been.

The way that it’s supposed to be,
We’d be out there together;
We’d watch watch her grow concurrently,
Then loose her from the tether that is us.

That’s “we”, not “me” and “you”:
A family’s what we had,
But now, that’s all a memory,
That went from good to bad —

You took my hand and I took yours.
We loved behind these folding doors
We’ve folded up and stored away –
For there’s nothing to hide now

I see you in our daughter’s eyes:
I do not think you realize
That she still holds out hope for us
That you have smashed to pieces —

The way that it’s supposed to be
I’m here for you, you’re here for me;
But there’s no “here” where we can meet,
Your smash-and-grab job’s quite complete

You lost respect for me and so

There’s nowhere left for love to go

No ground left to find empathy

The way that it’s

Supposed

To

Be

This Empty Room

This empty room sits silent in the sunbeams
My footsteps on the carpet shuffle hollow:
We moved a thousand things – all of our old dreams –
But where you go, I can no longer follow

We lay here once as lovers in the darkness
I felt your velvet skin as it was burning;
Whatever thing there is that moves us – sparks us –
It’s gone away, and there is no returning

I move towards the door, a final shiver
The ghost of love departs to take his sleep:
This empty room sits silent by the river
Of vanished hope
And vows
We could not
Keep

The Mistakes I Made

The mistakes I made were many
I gave you less than you needed
I asked from you things you didn’t really have to give
But I took nothing from you, in the end

You loved me as best you could
And I loved you the same way
But love couldn’t answer
In our case

For while we may be not be able to buy love
In this world
Love, itself, is unable to buy

Anything

Unemployment, Divorce & Hubris

His marriage wasn’t what he was about.

When she left him, he didn’t care too much:
His marriage wasn’t what he was about.
Instead, there was his working life. And such
Was all the weight he placed there, beyond doubt.

But then he got laid off out of the blue,
And found himself detached, alone, uncheered:
For suddenly, the purpose that he knew
And lived for all his life – had disappeared.

And he thought back to her, not for her faults,
But for the way he looked at her lost state;
He’d called her lazy, treating wounds with salts —
Not knowing how Injustice leads to Fate.

What he placed in the oven, then, to bake?
A meal of which he’s now must needs partake

.the phases of collapse.

what? i’m sorry, what?
this, no — no, this cannot be true.
you’re leaving for awhile, is all.
it’s what you need to do.

but i’ll be here when you come back.
or if not here, i’ll be
someplace, much smaller, cheaper, but
you’ll know where to find me.

we’ll not do anything rash right now.
we’ll wait. just wait and see —

= = = = =

you want what? to work out what?
you LEFT — who cares? screw you.
you don’t care about us, so why
should we change what we do?

we were not good enough for you,
go on, go lead your life —
you didn’t want this home we made;
you didn’t want your wife —

so go on, ’cause i’m tired of this.
go live that life so vaunted:
and screw the woman down the street –
that’s what you really wanted

= = = = =

a new start we could make. it would
be better now, by far;
you could just quit that second job,
i’ll get a smaller car

and we can go and get some help.
you’re going through depression:
it’s not a thing you fix by only
going to one session

we’ll work on this. we’ll make it work.
i know that we can do it.
there’s lots of people struggling.
stay here, and we’ll work through it …

= = = = =

i love my child, but maybe i’m not meant
to be “in love” with anyone at all.
for years, the guys ignored me, and i spent
a lot of time just staring at the wall

i thought we would be different, but i guess
that i was not enough for him somehow;
my child’s life and mine are now a mess,
and nobody will ever love me now

to dream of being cherished, and to know
that all these dreams are simply foolishness;
and notice now, wherever i might go,
the couples everywhere, that now depress

my sagging spirit here, alone and low:
this wasn’t how things were
supposed
to go

= = = = =

he’s gone, and i go on, no, WE go on.
my son and i go out to claim our place;
i will not be ashamed of who i am
or set more grief upon that precious face

for many struggle daily in this world,
for love, success, to feel that they belong –
but i am not defeated, now, by love;
i am
and will be
here
alive
and strong