A morning gray, a two-day rain, A mind wrapped up in here and now, A half-day passed, a needed a break, Surprised to find the world now blue And full of early flowers in bloom His car took him (it seemed) down to A place of stones, and flowers, and rest And words and dates and silences -- A hand upon my shoulder now With no one there, with no one there.
"I Am The One Who Was" it said, Or they all said, in different words; A living presence grown and gone Now missing in the hearts of those Who once took shape and came alive In feeling skin and hearing voice In ways no others ever could For what is known and felt is kept Inside the vault we can't unlock For someone took the key and left, For someone took the key
Reach out and feel what should be yours by right; The cadence of a song that none have heard, The measure of a breath that's full and light Along a shore: a lonely boat, a bird --
And how you came to be where you are not: The fuller you become a passing ghost That all have seen and equal all, forgot, A missing sign atop a broken post --
But you remember hope -- it was your claim When everything you didn't know still glowed, And so much seemed in reach, both love and fame, While paying back much more than ever owed --
Our slipping grasp on all that missing peace, Midst waves that ever lessen, never cease
when the outworld was my home i knew the smell of evenings spent by lakes still wild and full of unmapped feelings yet but soon to be known by one intrepid scurillous adventurous made of heart and granite and powered more by sugar than forethought or any other kind of blue-green wonder or sped-up thoughts of what a drive-in movie must look like when one is there to be with someone who wants only to be there with you who read these lines and know the red and gray awaits and eventually your pillow becomes your prison
I was to her the place of warm and hidden Where silence stretched as a slow smile growing And lost was the gray dark and the fluorescent loud Before I reached the undiscovered ere she could join in her time
For wave upon wave means nothing And all our meanings just so many lost waves
Would you like one that isn’t more than a decade old?
I’ve been using this one for a while, and it still works.
Someone more sensitive than I am might think you preferred the younger version of me.
I would love an updated picture, now that you mention it.
How about this one?
You don’t look particularly happy in this picture.When was it taken?
I wasn’t, and yesterday.
Is something wrong?
Yes. There is something I need from you, and you aren’t going to like it.
What is it?
I need to spend eight weeks in Yaddo. Alone.
Yaddo?
It’s an artist’s colony about 45 minutes north of Albany, NY.
Eight weeks?
I have the money saved, and I need to do something to get renergized. This is a huge opportunity for me.
Alright, then, when do you leave?
I could start the beginning of April, so — a couple of weeks from now.
Well, I assume that the “alone” part is important in what you are trying to accomplish, so… I hope it goes well. What all do you need to do to get ready?
There are a million things. I knew you would notice when I started making all these lists…
,.. Hang on a second! How long have you been planning this?
Since Christmas, when we ran into Oliver. He was there a couple of years ago, and suggested it might help.
Andwhy are you just now telling me?
I know how you get about my ex-boyfriends.
Well, there seem to be an awful lot of them. And secrecy isn’t the best way to assuage jealousy.Is Oliver going to also be at…
No. Remember I said I needed something from you?
Yes.
I need you to understand why I am doing this. I have to start producing top-quality work again. I have to, have to, have to.
I get that.
And I need you to understand my leaving for a month is not about you.
…
So you aren’t going to say anything?
What is there to say?
Okay, then. Tell me how you feel.
I’d rather not. This isn’t about me.
Listen, I know I have gone about this the wrong way. I should have talked to you a couple of months ago. But you’ve been super stressed out at work and I didn’t want to add my artist drama to your already full plate. This is not about me being unhappy with you or anything like that.
Mmm.
Please tell me what’s going through your head.
Have you ever placed a coin in one of those large funnel things where the coin makes spirals all around before it finally disappears into the funnel? Well, that’s what I am trying NOT to do — spiral.
… because …
Because it feels like (1) I wasn’t perceptive enough to pick up on what was going on with you — but OLIVER was; (2) You were so worried about my apparently insane jealousy that you didn’t bother to even talk to me about it until you had to; and (3) Because it just occurred to me that I don’t know who even took that picture of you that you just gave me.
Oliver is in film and Yaddo specializes in that so it was on his mind; I am sorry about not telling you sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you over something I might have backed out of; and my sister took the photo, in case you think I have a parade of exes coming through our house to make you new bookmarks.
And look, I am sorry, too. I want you to be happy, so… go do what you have to do. The cat and I will be fine here.
So you are totally cool with this.
I didn’t say that. But I will be. Love sucks, but only because life sucks.
Besides, don’t you think I might also be jealous wondering what you are doing with all your new found free time?
Oh yes, because you married a former model with a million exes. No wait, that was me that did that.
Yes, I just married the successful business executive guy who is also creative. You don’t sound like the lead in a romantic novel at all.
I love you and I trust you. And I hope you come back.
young and desiring, dreaming, drifting real and complacent, endlessly sifting, to see and feel and hear and be someplace besides where one ought to be --
to find in the stories told, and implied, that though much truth was said, almost everyone lied in saying one finds oneself one day, for good, and what once was gray will be clear understood --
for now years close in like a blanket, or noose, identity tied up in just how much use one can be to those who, while good to their core, cannot see you, just your age
