The Mathematics of Body Image Comparisons

In formula form, for your convenience. Remember, I am a professional mathematician, so don’t try this at home or anywhere else. You may not even want to try it here, it’s up to you.

I’ll put it down in formulas

We all want to be sexy:

You’ll never be as X as Y

And why? Y is

More X-ey

My Doctor Says

My doctor says that I should x,
But I am through with x’ing;
For every x, there is a “y” —
The whole thing’s rather vexing.

So many known unknown unknowns;
They vary in the passing —
My doctor says, if I’d be whole
I need to quit half-assing

My mind and body are my own,
Except, they go where he goes;
He looks at wax inside my ears
For reasons only he knows

He’s late, and so I sit and wait;
My schedule rearranging —
My doctor says that I should x,
But “x” keeps fricking
Changing

Thanksgiving, the Unknown Story

Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrated in the United States
And where we share the traditional slices of pizza
With passers-by in a spirit of goodwill
Engendered by the grateful good spirits created by our political process
And where celebrate our gratitude through
Our wholesale appropriation of the food of other cultures,
And music for that matter,
Via a public ritual of immolation by family
Before returing to the streets in our hipster garb
To hand out more pizza