the restaurant slow,
my food to go,
and she, behind the counter
so tall, so young,
so sad, it seemed.
i asked her how she’d been.
she smiled as she spoke, but then –
trailed off.
i asked her,
do you need to talk?
and she said
yes.
and so we walked around the way.
i don’t know why i trust you, sir.
it’s kind of weird.
i know it is.
it happens, though.
so what’s been wrong?
she looked across the parking lot;
a man was smoking, furtively.
she said
i made a plan
while still in high school.
what i’d learn
and who i’d be.
and i have followed it.
i graduate next may
from university;
and everything has fallen
into line.
but it’s not what you thought?
it’s not.
i feel an emptiness
not tied to anyone or thing.
it’s made me kind of angry.
sad.
and people my own age
infuriate me.
at least,
the ones at school.
what do you think you want?
to be in love.
to be admired.
to live a life worth living.
and how’s that going?
not too well.
finding people
who are interested in me
is not that hard.
i can’t seem to avoid them.
have you ever been in love?
if you don’t mind my asking?
oh, yes.
love involves a lot of pain.
yep, that sounds like love alright.
so, what do you do?
the man smoking threw down
his cigarette and
returned to the pizza place
across the parking lot
i don’t know what to do.
that’s the problem.
i don’t like feeling this way.
i had a plan.
i followed it.
i’m supposed to have it all together.
and you feel like having doubt
makes you different from
everyone else you know?
yes.
that’s it exactly.
how did i know you’d know?
because
i’m sort of a
“spirit father”
for you,
i think.
or i’m a spirit daughter for you.
i’ve never actually met
my own father.
well, spirit daughter:
i don’t have answers, or advice.
many of us doubt:
and many of those hide their doubt.
love is indeed painful,
and life is messy and
refuses often to conform to our plans.
do you plan to work as an artist?
yes.
but as you said, “plans”.
i will still work here
through school.
well, for what it’s worth,
i’ve seen your work, and
i believe in you.
she looked at me,
her eyes shining,
then stood up, saying
her break was over.
i picked up my to-go order
from the steps where
we’d been sitting.
she said
thank you
spirit father.
i think that helped.
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