Remembering My First Real… Love

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

When I last wrote about her
It was at my first real dance;
But soon, she was my first real love,
My very first romance –

And all that lovers always feel
We also underwent —
The crystal pure elation
That we could not help but vent –

And it was like real happiness
Was something new to me;
When she was anywhere nearby
I was in ecstasy –

But, strange in thinking back, how much
Of heartache we went through;
Of all the infidelity,
The cheating we’d each do –

Our love was real, though. Very real.
Although we grew estranged;
The love between us still remained —
It is that “us”
That changed

regrets, like the ocean

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

her regrets, like the ocean
in their immensity and constant turmoil
surrounded both of us –
far too real to be ignored

because i loved her,
i left her ocean undisturbed;
because i love her,
i offer only my
acceptance

we who live
live with imperfect knowledge;
we cannot know outcomes

there we sat,
surrounded by the ocean;
here i sit now,
surrounded by my own thoughts

my friend:
i do love you.
and love,
like stars that hover
high above any ocean,
does not change the water,
but give us –
if only for a time –
something else
to look at

Alsatian Dreams

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

Another restless night, up and down, up and down. When sleep finally came, images and stories poured in like floodwater.

There’s a girl with a bicycle in a field in France; it is August – August, 1939.  The war is just about to start, but she can’t know that yet. I know her in my dream, but in real life, she is someone I know now, a young someone who lives far away. But here she is France on the eve of World War 2.

It’s beautiful, but it feels ominous.

When I wake up, I’m trying to make sense of it. I spent almost nine months last year reading every WW2 book and watching every WW2 documentary and movie that I could find. And I had talked to my friend via text on Instagram earlier that day. So she ended up in Alsace on a vintage bicycle, wearing a vintage dress and hat as the clouds of war and genocide gather over Europe.

I am disturbed by all of this along several dimensions: the fear of impending doom, as well as thinking of all the people who were about to die horrible deaths 70 years ago this month. I’m also at least mildly disturbed any time a woman who is not my wife shows up in my dreams.

I look over to my right in the dark and my wife is there, lying on her side, breathing slowly.  Well, just because I’m having a bad night’s sleep doesn’t mean she should: so I get out of bed as gingerly as I can, get my glasses and iPad off the night stand and head to the other side of the house.

I know that dreams, for me, are often my brain trying to work out various issues that I’ve shoved aside. I do worry about some of my friends; the one in my dream, for instance, is someone I worry about a lot. Because life has been hard on her, and there are days I’m not sure she’s going to make it.

She also likes to be kind of stylish and vintage, if her Instagram is any indication, so maybe that’s where that came from.

I try hard not to worry about people whose lives I cannot really impact, but I seem incapable of doing so; when I manage it, consciously, my subconscious takes over and does it for me.

Later, after getting back from the gym, there is a message from my friend. Her health situation is deteriorating. We text back and forth for about 10 minutes. Then she’s off to get some sleep, and I’m off to get ready for work.

In the shower, the shampoo is running over my eyes, so I shut them. With my eyes closed, I see her again, in a French grain field, under sunshine and tall clouds, wearing a red dress and pushing a red bicycle. She doesn’t know what’s coming, but then again, no one did, really.

And none of us do now.

Forgiveness

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

I wonder if you ever knew
How much I loved and envied you;
Each move you made so effortless,
Your carefree natural blessedness

That I resented foolishly,
Despite how you believed in me.
For though my heart’s a universe,
It has black holes in it — and worse —

So now, upon the crest of time,
I see the separation
I caused by my inveterate
And weak self-immolation —

But silent now the river runs,
I view it, somber, gray and tired:
Forgiveness I can’t ask for, since
You’re now where none’s

Required

Missing the Man

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

I found myself missing the man today, because
Every once in a while, I forget he died.
If that sounds crazy to you, don’t worry,
One day you’ll understand.

Part of us never leaves the denial stage:
About grief, or anything else.
That’s part of what fiction is all about:
Saying “no” to reality, with gusto.

I remember once, going to his house
While he was grilling and telling stories.
His steaks weren’t great, but his stories
Were always sensational,
And always emotional.

I found myself missing the man today, because
Life is a very long canyon, and love
In an endless echo

in it

I Knew Them When

Posted on by Beleaguered Servant

I knew them when
The fields were gold,
And hours filled
With guiltlessness

I knew them on
Their wedding day:
In youth, with all
Its weightlessness —

I knew them in
The times before:
The sunset walks,
And reveries —

I knew them when
There was a them,
And more than tears

And memories