Me: … The year we stopped automatically giving Valentines to everyone in our class, I stopped getting Valentines.
Wife: Were you actually giving out Valentines to anyone at that age?
Me: Oh, yes, heavens, yes. I just never got any. I actually had one returned.
Wife: (Laughing) – I’m sorry – I shouldn’t laugh –
Me: And these women who show up now and claim they had crushes on me back then – I call bullshit. If they did, where were the Valentines, huh? WHERE WERE THE FREAKING VALENTINES?
Wife: How old were you when you had a Valentine returned?
Me: I was twelve. I went home and told my mom, who, just like you, laughed.
Wife: What did she say?
Me: She said, “What happened?” and I said, “I got one of my Valentines returned, opened. I’m surprised it didn’t say ‘Dear contributor, we regret that your submission does not suit our present needs.’ My Valentine essentially got a rejection slip.”
Wife: Was it a girl you really liked?
Me: Well, if I didn’t before, I did then. I became obsessed.
Wife: The thrill of the chase, huh? You liked the challenge?
Me: No, I was just really attracted to someone who had the same opinion of me I did.