Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #9 – Herbert Spencer’s Sideburns

Herbert Spencer, he was born
On a windy April morn;
Four years later, young Burnside
Came to be, his parents pride.

Burnside wore the first sideburns
But the photographs suggest
That while each man took his turns
Spencer’s sideburns were the best.

But then I’ll let YOU decide
Did Spencer burn out Burnside?

General Burnside.
General Burnside.

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #8 – Sunblock

Ogden Nash(oid) version

Come now, let us block the sun.
Too much sun is not much fun.
Burning leaves you all vercleff:
So get you some SPF.

– = –

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow(ish) version

In erythemal action spectrum,
Came solar irradiance falling
Needing monochrome protection
For the lambda of the wavelength
By the raging blue green waters
Came the daughter of Nokomis
There to have the Bullfrog wearing

– = –

Haiku version

sun streaming summer wind waves
leaf gently blowing
We’ll need SPF 50

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #7 – Staple Removers

Staple Remover

My coworkers are standup gals
And guys, every last one:
They work hard and they work smart
And they like to have some fun

But they’ve a moral failing that
Is strange and out of whack:
The steal staple removers, and
They never put them back

Money I could leave on my desk
And it would be there still;
I tried this and I saw it
With a fifty dollar bill

But there’s no set of safeguards
Around which they can’t maneuver
When it comes to making off
With a staple remover

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #6 – Dust Mites

Rent-free boarders in our homes
Offices and favorite stores
They live to eat what we
Unconsciously discard

And they repay this service to them
By contributing asthma and allergies to us
Although, I’m sure they do this
Equally unconsciously

They look ugly
When viewed under a microscope
But then
So do we all

In this and with
Their cosmopolitan distribution,
Parasitic symbiote ways with other life,
And habit of repaying good with evil

The dust mite
Just might
Be the closest other form of life

To human


Dust Motes Dancing in the Sunbeams«, 1900 by Vilhelm Hammershøi.
Dust Motes Dancing in the Sunbeams«, 1900 by Vilhelm Hammershøi.

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #5 – Sonata Allegro Form

Franz Joseph Haydn

If you want a big production
You tack on an introduction

Before assuming the position
Starting with an exposition

Whether high-class or low-rent
You have to have development

You’ll land in a situation
Without recapitulation

Clean it out with baking soda
Top it off with a short coda

There is my short-worded guide in
First movements by F.J. Haydn

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #3 – Penny Press

Variety Puzzles

Maybe they’re the same as Dell
I do not know, I cannot tell

But both, or one, or either make
These puzzle books my will to break

I can fool with one for hours
As it saps my poor mental powers

And so it is with humbleness
That I salute you, Penny Press

Inappropriate Poetic Subjects #1 – Regression Analysis


Why equals em-ex plus bee
Assuming linearity
And if each premise is unfurled
Which will not happen in this world

So you can predict anything
And make your sterile data sing
With fancy math to hide the scent
Of Assuming the Consequent