A Man’s Guide to Relationship Advice

On 2017033020170330 By Beleaguered ServantIn Original Poems8 Comments

He’d sought the company of a young woman who clearly wasn’t interested. He asked me what he should do.

Me: That’s easy. Give up and move on.

Him: But I think she might be the One…

She’s not. Take it from me.

How do you know?

I’ll answer you, but first, let me ask you a question.

Alright.

Would you rather have a beer or a vaccine?

A beer. Preferably more than one to go with these hot dogs.

Don’t know you know what’s good for you? I think you should quit eating hot dogs and drinking beer, and get a full panel of vaccines instead.

I don’t give a rat’s ass what you want. It’s my life, I’ll do as I please.

Ah, got it, sorry. Now, as to your question – how I know she’s not the One…

Yeah?

Because, you stupid prick, she’ll decide what she likes and doesn’t like, not you.

Are you calling me a vaccine?

No, because those have actually helped people.

I’d be willing to buy her beer…

Shots, more likely, and we already established she doesn’t want those any more than you did.

So I should leave her alone and find someone else?

Yes.

Even though I have strong feelings for her.

Especially because you have ‘strong feelings’ for her. Because that’s crazy – you don’t even know her.

Has this ever happened to you?

Yes. I’ve been offered more “turn down” service than a fancy hotel.

Fine. I’ll see what else is out there.

Good man. Give the poor girl a break.

You make me sound like some kind of stalker.

You basically were becoming one, dude. So… DON’T DO THAT.

Whatever.

‘I Know We’re Different…’

On 2016020720160206 By Beleaguered ServantIn Original Poems1 Comment

I Know We're Different

…You don’t know me, anything about me:
Why should I think you’re different; that you’ll care?
You do not look like you belong around here.
Wherever you’ve come from — just go back there.

If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine.
I know we’re diff’rent, but I do not mind.
I’d like to stay and talk to you a bit:
And I will leave if you get tired of it.

So tell me, stranger, just why are you here?
I’m friends with guys in the band, I said I’d come.
So, fantasies about girls with tattoos?
Yeah, I guess I suppose I have had some.

But have you ever had a fantasy
About a guy who’d treat you really well?
There’s no such thing; there are no guys like that.
‘Cept you, I’m sure, you’re just about to tell —

Well, we don’t know. You’d have to take a chance;
Let’s start off simple: let’s just go and dance.
I guess we can do that. So then we’ll see…
That’s all I ask.
For now?
Definitely.

Excuse Me…

On 2015122120160121 By Beleaguered ServantIn Original Poems4 Comments

“Excuse me, but are you okay?”

“Oh, no, I’m fine. But thank you anyway.”

“Um, okay, sure. But.. listen. If you just need someone to talk to, I promise I’m not weird or anything.”

[Laughs] “Well, okay… I’m Belinda.”

“I’m Jordan. Nice to meet you.”

“I feel stupid, sitting here crying in public. Tell me, Jordan, are you married?”

“Yes — I am, I have a wife and two daughters. You?”

“Yes. Two kids, a boy and a girl, and… up until recently, a husband at home.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. He just came home one day and said… ‘I don’t want to do this any more.’ Just like that.”

“That had to be tough.”

“Yeah, well normally, I’m the tough one. I’ve got to be back to work in 20 minutes, and I can’t be crying there.”

“So what’s happened since he told you?”

“He’s gone to stay with a friend, and, I’m left to explain to two kids less than four why Daddy’s not going to be home for awhile.”

“How old?”

“18 months and four years and a month. I don’t understand it at all. He says he loves me, he loves our kids, but just wants something different.”

“Um… Is there someone else?”

“He says there’s not, but I’m not sure. What do you think?”

“Well, given that I just met you three and a half minutes ago, I’m not really sure, either. Do you have friends or family who are helping?”

“I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Wow, okay, I see. What will happen if you tell people?”

“My mom and my dad will say they told me he was no good, and that I should have listened to them.”

“Okay, I get not telling them.”

“My friends would probably be cool. It’s just… it’s just, they all thought we had the perfect marriage.”

“Maybe you could trust them, then. It’s better than getting tears in your coffee.”

[Laughs] “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“Look, I have to go, but… here is my business card. It has my cell phone number on it. I’m not trying to hit on you, I just… I lost someone very dear to me recently who… I couldn’t be there for, and… I just wanted to help, if I can. Call me if you need someone to talk to. And, Belinda… tell your friends. They’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks, Jordan.” [Looking at the card] “… You’re a salesman? You don’t seem like the type.”

“The best ones never do, Belinda.”