A Bully

Bully

I’ve been a bully in my life,
I am ashamed to say it —
The many times I sought control;
Each one – I can replay it –

But all it got me was depression
And a host of ex’es —
It made of me a bĂȘte noire,
A type of tangled nexus –

But somehow, people that I hurt
Remember me with fondness,
Instead for the pain I caused
From active inner darkness

I’ve been a bully in my life,
I know one when I see one –
And can’t forget, whate’er may come,
That I’m still prone
To be one

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2 Thoughts to “A Bully

  1. Good food for thought. I feel grateful that my first boyfriend was who he was. Thanks to him, I learned different ways to approach conflict and disagreement than shouting and insulting.

    I came to understand–not directly, but through reflection as I grew–that how I was used to “handling” my siblings, whom I rather adored, would not be a great foundation for lifelong friendship. I think that I’d still potentially be a bully myself were it not for B’s quiet questions in the face of my shouting.

    Like you, it still emerges in glimmers and moments. I try not to beat myself up over it, but simply apologize and try to do better next time.

    1. It’s good that dating did that for you; it’s supposed to be a place to learn and grow – kind of like therapy.

      I learned a lot from both dating and therapy, mostly: (a) that the former can lead to the latter; and (b) that the latter is not a great place to pursue the former.

      I sometimes think all “bad” in the world comes down to abusing power, in all its different forms, and it can be hard to discover. The truth is a powerful solvent, though.

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