Adult Thoughts from Twenty-Four Year Old Me

[From a journal I used to keep –]

… I see you every day and I dream about you – my body produces this ridiculous overabundance of sperm cells, cells I wish I could leave inside you, feeling you, tasting you – it is a madness, and obsession, it follows me everywhere and haunts my every waking moment – but I can’t make you feel it, you don’t feel it, your eyes wander elsewhere, and my whole mind goes numb with rejection – until tonight, when I’ll see you again, for even my dreams conspire against me, and you will be there, and you will give yourself to me, and I will know what I will never know what I will never know what I can never know …


I thought “Like this thing, I’m
Out bored.” Seventeen and full of
Mostly Pepsi and testosterone, I
Spent the early summer looking at girls and
Imagining untying swimsuit and bra
Tops, and whether or not my fumbling
Fingers would ever get a chance to even
Try. But girls where I lived had
Started to change towards me in subtle
Ways, indicating that perhaps the life
I’d felt was impossible for years was
Drawing nearer, and sure enough, that
Summer the floodgates opened, slightly
More than metaphorically, and I
Began to discover that I could untie
Knots when the pressure was on. Engine
Worked fine, once I was able to get it
Out on the water for once, and I didn’t
Sink or anything, which, given how most
People’s early experiences go, was pretty
Dang amazing.

The Introvert At The Christmas Party

My God, it’s loud in there.
She’ll be here soon and we’ll go in…

How long, I wonder, will she want to stay?
They must have spent ten thousand dollars on this place!

Oh look, I got three more “likes”…
I wonder how cold it’s supposed to get tonight?

Hey, there, sweetheart. Coats go over here.
I’ll tip her, I brought cash. Your hands are cold.

The Who’s? They own a funeral parlor. Got it.
Oh… he has cancer. How long? (He looks good…)

My gosh it’s loud in here. Say that again. What?!
There’s hardly room to squeeze through there. Let’s go around.

I think there’s someone I know over there.
He doesn’t remember me. Of course.

I’m not sure we’ll be able to find a place to sit.
Hello… hello… it’s nice to meet you… hello

Yes, Owen, that’s right. O-W-E-N. Um, fourteen years.
No, I’m not from here, I came from Florida. Twenty years.

What’s that? Who? No, I don’t remember them. The movies?
How long ago? (Excuse me. Is this the line?) What happened to them?

Divorces are ugly, that much I know. She does what now? (Hello.
I’m Owen. Yes, I’m with her.) The band is really loud. I know, they are good.


Ah, home.
You want to chill a whie? Fine with me.