Why I Can’t Be Batman

Not all that heroic

The way other people feel about sleeping in
Is how I feel about going to bed early

Not really that much into revenge

I’m short of being a billionaire by roughly a billion dollars

In terms of being a world-class
Inventor-detective-athlete-martial artist,
I’m 0 for 4

I won’t look nearly as good at age 80

I’ve never had any desire to turn
Orphaned children into sidekicks

I’m terrible at strategy:
I not only can’t play chess,
My checkers and even “go fish” games are lacking

I would waste too much time
Figuring out what Wayne Enterprises does.
Licensed merchandising is my guess.

Because the Joker sucks,
And Batman is forever running into him

Because it’s all I can do
To do 20 minutes of yoga in the morning

I drive too slow.
And I wouldn’t want a house that big

Because spending all my time in a cave
Is a way-too-stereotypical male thing to do