Things I Only Think About Saying

Son: For my birthday, I wouldn’t mind having one of those Ancestry.com kits.
Me: Given the relationship your mom and I had, there’s a fair chance you and I aren’t even related.



Cashier: I like your yellow car. Can I have it?
Me: I normally require a divorce decree first.



Co-worker: Any plans for this weekend?
Me: Yes, I’m taking a course in self-absorption. It’s self-taught.



Boss: What do you want to be doing in five years?
Me: Answering a different question.



Interviewee: What do you do most often in a workday?
Me: Despair



Friend: Do you still do that poetry blogging thing, or whatever it is?
Me: “Whatever it is” is actually a pretty good description.



Online friend: How is your workday day going?
Me: Like a porcupine working in a balloon factory.



Co-worker: What do you think my résumé needs to ensure I get that job?
Me: Cash. And maybe extra cash.



Reader: Where do your ideas come from?
Me: Thule, Greenland.

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