In my mid-twenties
I applied to and was accepted
Into the Princeton graduate / post-graduate program
In Philosophy
I had been accepted by two of the three other places I applied
I was maybe five months from leaving my Civil Service job
As a mathematician
Trying to figure out how to stretch the money I had saved
Hoping to talk my way into an assistanceship
It was Spring
One of my best friend’s weddings was coming up in a couple weeks
I played basketball with some friends on a Sunday
When I went home, I crashed on the bed
When I woke up, it was Monday evening
And I was on the floor
I got up
Fed my cat
Left a message on my boss’s phone at work
Went back to bed
Woke up, and it was Wednesday
Fed the cat again
Noticed I had bruises all over my body
Went back to bed
Woke up on Friday morning
Fed the cat
Got dressed for work
Showed up right at lunchtime
Looking like death
Some co-worker friends asked me
To come to lunch with them
During lunch
I had a massive seizure
I had been having them for days
And didn’t know it
I missed my friend’s wedding
I was in and out of the hospital for two years
I lost all my money
I lost that chance at graduate school
But, even at death’s door
I made sure my cat kept getting fed
I am an epileptic
I gradually carved out a life
Through grace
Rebuilding my body
Recovering from years of depression
I finally went to graduate school
But it was nowhere prestigious
And it was in Statistics, not Philosophy
But I used that to become an actuary
I have a wonderful job
I work at a place that genuinely cares
About its customers
And employees
And the community at large
As well as shareholders
So, I missed out on my dream
Through illness, depression, near-suicide
But recovered to one day
Fall in love
Have a family
Find a rewarding career
And write about it
But
I would still rather not have seizures
(“The Life I Could Have Had” – 3/26/2015)