Sketches – 2

Among many actual conversations

How’s the painting going?

I haven’t started yet
I am trying to think of
What it is I want to paint

I like it so far

You would
You’re weird

Me? Weird?

Well, your taste in art
Is as strange
As your taste in women

I think your painting needs

More white space

This is a painting
Of all your coherent thoughts

Not blank enough

I might have to
Agree with you there

Should I go away and
Let you paint?

Maybe you could be
An artist’s assistant, and
Bring me some tea

You’re so demanding.

While you’re in there
Find me something
I can actually
Paint about

Sketches – 1

Actual conversations

… If people can’t order
What they want to eat
In less than 45 seconds,
They shouldn’t be using
A fast food drive-in, and…
Why are you laughing?

Because you’re on a rant

It’s called “fast food”
Because it’s supposed to be
You know, fast —

You’re logic seems
What do you think
Of my hair tonight?

It looks amazing.

Worth a long wait
At a drive thru window?

I would wait
Behind a Greyhound Bus
Full of sloths
For that hair.

My hair is like
Rant control

16 things real men do

how self-empowerment messages often turn self-defeating…

she read an article entitled
’16 things real men do’…

no man she’d ever known
had done even four of them

rereading, she found
that the article implied
that ‘real women’ could make
‘real men’ out of
‘mere boys’

so, she thought, maybe
it was her fault that
she knew no real men

so, she asked her trainer,
who was himself a man,
what he thought

he told her he thought the article
was ‘real stupid’


willingness to settle for partners
who behave selfishly
is indeed a problem far too prevalent

he said that

when people quit focusing
on what ‘real men’ or ‘real women’ do
and focus instead on
what ‘just everyday people’ ought to do

we’d get closer to something like
a useful bit of information

she asked him, though,
if he thought she’d ever meet someone
who she would want to marry, and
who would want to marry her…

and he said, “yes, sure, but

you are perfectly fine
as you are..

live a life that matters


little else will”

Scenes from My Real Life, Vol 1

This is a transcription of an actual conversation, held last night, January 3rd, 2015.

Me: … The year we stopped automatically giving Valentines to everyone in our class, I stopped getting Valentines.

Wife: Were you actually giving out Valentines to anyone at that age?

Me: Oh, yes, heavens, yes. I just never got any. I actually had one returned.

Wife: (Laughing) – I’m sorry – I shouldn’t laugh –

Me: And these women who show up now and claim they had crushes on me back then – I call bullshit. If they did, where were the Valentines, huh? WHERE WERE THE FREAKING VALENTINES?

Wife: How old were you when you had a Valentine returned?

Me: I was twelve. I went home and told my mom, who, just like you, laughed.

Wife: What did she say?

Me: She said, “What happened?” and I said, “I got one of my Valentines returned, opened. I’m surprised it didn’t say ‘Dear contributor, we regret that your submission does not suit our present needs.’ My Valentine essentially got a rejection slip.”

Wife: Was it a girl you really liked?

Me: Well, if I didn’t before, I did then. I became obsessed.

Wife: The thrill of the chase, huh? You liked the challenge?

Me: No, I was just really attracted to someone who had the same opinion of me I did.

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