Please tell me now how I can look my best,
And how Marvel is better than D.C. —
I must hear you (to blazes with the rest)
On how the toxic cleanse changed history.

And how unscientific people are
Who do not have your liberal arts degree;
And how all class distinctions would be gone
If people only drank this herbal tea.

And how the greatest workout is the plank,
And how to use Alexa to clean house,
And why all matrimony’s slavery,
And how to tell a mere tick from a louse.

If I’d more time, I’d love to hear you share,
But I must be — um, really, anywhere.